“This afternoon saw the climax of the 2021 FA Cup final at Wembley stadium. Chelsea FC beat AFC Bournemouth by four goals to two, with two goals each from both Samuel Eto’o and Fernando Torres. This result pushed Chelsea’s all-time goal-scoring record above 500 goals, finally making them the highest-scoring football team in English football history.”

“Right now, I’m just happy for everyone involved – especially for my good friend Fernando Torres who achieved this incredible milestone after six long years playing for us here at Stamford Bridge. He and I joined Chelsea FC within a week of each other back in 2011, so it feels like this was really meant to be.” said an overjoyed Jose Mourinho following today’s game.
Eto’o and Torres were both awarded a standing ovation from the crowd as they left the pitch, bringing an end to this extraordinary cup final. I’m sure now that Mourinho will probably retire from coaching, as he has nothing more to prove.

“I think today’s result says it all about Jose’s career at Chelsea – just look at those stats! Six years, three league titles, one Champions League title…” said a tearful Frank Lampard in the post-match press conference. “As a Chelsea fan myself, I can tell you that he’ll always be remembered here for what he’s done for our club.”

However not everyone was so quick to praise Mourinho after his retirement… earlier in the day Manchester United found out their punishment for losing this year’s Premier League title to Chelsea, and it certainly wasn’t pretty.

“Chelsea FC will be allowed to keep the trophy they won this season, but Manchester United will get one added extra year in which to score 500 goals.” said an FA spokesman. “The board felt that not only did we lose out on the league title to our biggest rivals, but we failed to even win a major trophy – so we were well within our rights to add another year onto their record attempt.”

With 856 games played in total by Manchester United since 2010, it’ll take another two years before they can start adding into that tally again. With the team currently undergoing a ‘rebuild’ phase into next season, I’m sure we can expect to see them challenging for the Premier League title in 2022/2023.

“It’s a bit harsh – I know, but they’ve only got themselves to blame.” said an FA spokesman after United threatened legal action against this punishment. “They should have scored 500 goals by now if they were serious about winning trophies!”

“I just hope we’re not the ones facing them in that time.” said a confident Chelsea manager Antonio Conte after today’s game. “And hopefully we’ll be our way of celebrating Chelsea’s place in English football history very soon…”

As far as Manchester United is concerned, they refused to comment on today’s events and went straight home following their defeat… with Scholes unavailable for an interview due to his anger at this new punishment, we couldn’t get a word from him.