Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend football to their patients.

“Why do I need to play football?” you ask the dentist. You are a busy person with many responsibilities, why should your precious free time be spent pushing around a ball?

The answer is simple: Because football is fun, and everyone who plays it has more fun!

This statement was found in an unmarked envelope at the local post office. The author’s name was not revealed, nor were they present to defend their work when questioned by authorities. All that remained was the article itself.
At best this will seem like typical propaganda — but don’t let this fool you into dismissing it out of hand; it contains valuable information; critical of this article would be missing out not only on the fun, but also the valuable life lessons that football teaches.

One of these is to brace yourself for impact — both physically (tackles) and mentally (you could lose). There are no points given for avoiding risks; it’s all about how much you can take and keep going. You may think this sounds like a lot of pain, but remember:

Big hits mean bragging rights. Anyone who brags about their pain tolerance is clearly compensating for something else! Lying about how much pain they feel is just one way that football players harm themselves — without even knowing it! It isn’t worth your time or theirs to worry about them if they say they’re fine–but if they say they need time off to recover, run away as fast as possible! If you see them on the field before their time is up, it’s your duty to tackle them so hard that they collapse. This way, everyone will know how much pain they’re really in.

A related lesson is that football is not always fun (it can be dangerous); it takes emotional maturity and emotional intelligence to stay with something when your emotions are telling you to stop; but if you follow these simple steps–

  1. ignore their complaints about how hurt/weary/tired/painful/angry they are;
  2. make sure everyone knows about it (if possible);
  3. taunt or insult them for being weak;
  4. don’t take it seriously when they break down and cry.

The other lessons are more about the life of a football player–always be on your guard for quiet traps, learn from your mistakes (and from other people’s), and always keep going despite injuries, distractions, lack of motivation, bribing attempts by management to get you to stop playing football before time runs out, etc.

This is not propaganda! It has been written by a group that thinks everyone should play football, but doesn’t know what kind of life outside the pitch would work best for them. That makes this article full of both truth and lies.

By the way, don’t mistake this article for propaganda: it’s the truth. Always remember: “big hits mean bragging rights.”

“That sounds like a lot of pain!” you say? It is! That’s why everyone has so much fun playing football! You too can have fun if you learn to enjoy pain and suffering–both as the one inflicting it and as the receiver. By following these simple rules, you’ll be having more fun than ever before!